How to deal with difficult people at work

I am sure you have come across difficult people at work or any where else in your life. There was a time I was in tears when I got hurt by difficult people. Those days I thought "why everyone can't be as nice as I am, I don't speak or act like that towards them and it is not fair" I was hurt and angry and feeling miserable. I needed fairness and justice done to heal my wounds. This was many years ago. When I look back, I could see why I suffered the way I did.

I still see "difficult" people now but I see them very differently now and I see suffering is optional and not inevitable. If you like the option of not suffering you have come to the right place and read on.

I labelled them as difficult, because they made me uncomfortable. Others may not have seen as difficult. But there are people who will be seen as difficult by most people and they too are seen as difficult only because most people are affected by them. So, being difficult is about them or us who become victims?

In any organisation, there are guidelines and policies how to deal with difficult people. I have worked in one of the largest organisation in the planet which is the NHS, UK. I have worked in many other large organisations who employ thousands of staff. But all guidelines are about not to deal with the situation but to avoid it. You are not taught how to improve your relationship with the "difficult" person or how to deal with your discomfort it is all about avoiding confrontation. All you could do is to report to the line manager. It may make the situation even worse. This form of management of difficult people is about using authoritative power and this approach is useless in developing people or dealing with "difficult" people outside work situations. Therefore it doesn't really teach us any skills how to handle "difficult" people by ourselves.

That is the reason I thought of addressing this situation here, to give you some insights to this problem everyone comes across some time or the other in life, mostly at work.

The fundamental reason why you have become a victim of a difficult person is the way you are taught to think. If you think someone is 'difficult", because that person makes you uncomfortable, isn't it your thought that thinks that person is "difficult" makes you uncomfortable?

Some "difficult" people are not seen as difficult by everyone. They too have friends. So, why am I feeling that he or she is difficult? Is it something about me? What is it in me that makes me think he or she is "difficult"? If that person doesn't talk the way I do or make decisions the way I do or something is different to the way I do, I don't like that person. Is that a fair way to judge someone?

If I feel uncomfortable because someone is doing something wrong, does that make someone difficult? No, unless it affects me. There are so many people who do wrong and it may be universally wrong such as lying and stealing or it may be seen as wrong by some and not others. We don't feel someone is "difficult" only because he or she is doing something wrong, unless it is personally affect us. If I see someone doing something wrong, I may decide to do something to protect that person and others from wrong doing if I could, but it should not make me a victim and call him or her a "difficult" person.

So, now it is clear that if someone is "difficult" it is only my opinion and how I feel about that person. Our likes and dislikes and our judgments about others are subjective and relative to our preferences. 

All difficult people can be nice people too at different circumstances. We all have the potential to be nice and difficult. How we look at other people is to do with who we are. 

We live in an era where people migrate globally to live and work in different geographic places. They bring their diversity in culture, religion, language, beliefs and behaviour with different choices of food, clothing, housing and many other aspect of life. Chances of encountering someone very different to us and misunderstanding of another person is greater now than ever before with this swift global migration.

Some are troubled in their own minds with situations that trouble them. Anyone with a troubled mind is irritable, unhappy, angry with someone or with themselves, and can react aggressively even to trivial things. These troubles are unspoken but vivid in their minds. Stress is one of the major cause of poor communication and poor performance at work. Any person who is going through a stressful circumstance in personal life, can be seen as a "difficult" person in the way he or she behaves. Such a person needs a good friend with kindness and compassion for him or her to feel comfortable otherwise such a person would always try to avoid and resist any interaction.

Understanding someone else is not so easy when we don't understand ourselves and how we behave towards others. The first step in dealing with difficult people is to understand who I am. My beliefs, my likes and dislikes, my rights and wrongs, my wants and rejects are the basis of my perception of someone being "difficult". 

When I understand this, I may even see that I could also be a "difficult" person to others. If I judge others I too have polarities for others to be judgmental about me. If I could meet anyone in the middle without being judged as right or wrong, how could I see another as difficult?

Seeing another with the reasons and possibilities why that person is behaving that way is an enlightened experience. Are you open to that thought? Would you be willing to question your mind before judging  next time when you feel someone is difficult?